His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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