I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
