I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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