Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize