My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
