So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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