i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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