He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
