the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
