dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize