sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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