I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
