I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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