i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
