Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
