Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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