Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
