There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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