Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
