I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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