ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Two words: nipple clamps
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