shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
