Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
