Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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