I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
