My liver just broke up with me...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
