My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
