I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize