I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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