Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
