My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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