Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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