First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
