she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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