when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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