She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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