I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
