i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
