Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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