I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
