Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties