I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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