You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house