I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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