I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
