I wish I only lived at night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
