Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
should my penis look like a turkey
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
