Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
