I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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