I just pynch a tree in the face
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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