I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
well you can't waste a boner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me the toilet please
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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