Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
