Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
