i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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