There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
