dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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