I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My ATM looks so different sober.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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