So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Screwed.edu
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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