It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
not ubering you a puppy
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
