She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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