She's JV to your varsity
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
