I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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