hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
