I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
